Kids...

Let me start out by making this statement... I love kids. I really do. I think little ones are fun and innocent and make great toys! They can amuse you for hours! I even like it when they get bigger, but they do have attitude when they get bigger, but it is still fun...

What I dont like is when GROWN UPS bring children into places that are not appropriate places for kids. Like right now for instance... I am sitting at my desk trying to figure out this stupid spreadsheet and double check it to the power point presentation when all of a sudden there is whining... And crying from a small little, drippy boy child of about 3 years old. The lovely lady 2 cubes back has brought her grandson in to see her for lunch. This wouldnt be bad if his mother, the 17 year old high school-about-to-be-a-graduate, could control him... She cannot, so his grandmother must keep shushing him while trying to contain his squirms. He is a cute kid, but should be outside, running, playing, squashing bugs and putting them in his pocket or all of the other things boy children do while playing outside. Not being stifled in an office while my boss is on a conference call or I am trying to yell at the helpdesk. She is very kind to ask me if they are making too much noise, but what am I supposed to say?? "Yes, your drooling child is far to loud for the office and I am unfeeling, heartless bitch!" That would work wouldnt it??

I am going to go and text message my About-to-be-a-graduate and thank her for not getting knocked up and making me a grandmother before my 40th birthday!

Teen age Logic???

I will never understand the logic of the teenage mind. Last night when I got home from a hard days work the normal suspects were lounging in my living room. In fact Smirk and her friends were congregated on the floor in the doorway of my back door (weird spot for them to be hanging out as this leads to a bathroom and the garage) and Grin was dutifully doing her homework on the couch. I went into the kitchen and proceeded to notice how miraculously the dishes in the sink seemed to have gone forth and multiplied during the day... I was shocked!! What was a bowl had suddenly turned into a bowl, 5 cups, several sets of utensils, the plastic container holding dinner from the previous two nights, and plates. I began to babble out loud at the strange events, bemusing the thought of party that may have been happening during the day where the cups seduced the forks and told them to jump out of the drawer to come to a hot tub party in the sink! Smirk and her friends looked at me like I was insane...Probably am, but that is another issue... I said to them...Wait, plates and cups are inanimate objects they cant go to a hot tub party... How did they get here... They all laughed and said... Sorry we will put them away next time we raid the refrigerator and eat all of the leftovers you were saving for your lunch for the next two days... (Ok they really didn't say that, but in my head it was a much better answer then "sorry mommy")

So I started to make dinner... And a lovely dinner it was! I started to marinate the beef strips in lime & blood orange juice, mixed with olive oil and chili powder mix... Then I sauteed the squash and onions and peppers, the heated up the refried beans... Do you see the dish yet??

As I started cooking the meat, the teenage garbage disposals started perking up and saying things like "oh that smells so good" or "Smirk, mommy is an amazing cook, what are we going to live off of when we go away to college?".... I ignored all of this fake flattery and continued on my cooking efforts. Then Lane had to go back to school for a band thing and the children all said goodbye... I did not think anyone would be back except for Smirk so I started to plate up the food... Grin was patiently waiting for her food, like a puppy drooling at my feet, so I fed her... She was happy, then the horde came back... Smirk sits down on my lap and says "Hi Mommy we are going out to go get something to eat"

I nearly dropped my fajitas.... I looked at her stunned... I finally stammered out... "WHAT??? Why are you going out??? Does the food only taste good if it has been sitting in the fridge for a day and you eat it cold right after school??? "

They had the audacity to say, well we didnt want to eat your food!!!

Again a "WHAT??? You are just going to eat the leftovers tomorrow so why not eat it now??? What is the difference??"

The hemmed and hawed and then went in and made plates....

But I will never understand the teen age logic... Or is that an oxymoron??

I have a plan!!!

Grin, my adorable and very smart daughter, heard a news report that stated the price of gas in Venezuela is about .07cents a gallon!!! Can you imagine??? HOLY MERDE!!!!

So what we decided we would do is get a consortium together, buy a tanker boat (just a smallish one), cruise to Venezuela, load up on the gas, I will even pay $1 a gallon!!! So we will load it up and cruise back to the coast by our own little house... Every time we want gas we will head down to the harbor, have the boat pull into the marina, pump it out and be on our merry way!!! It would have to be more cost effective than buying gas at a regular pump at $4.05 per gallon or more!!! Wouldn't it???? Any takers????

walking a mile in my size 8.5 black mary jane 3 inch heels!!

I was speaking to the Ex Mr. Amused about his and Smirk's major drama/argument/fight of the century this last weekend, he mentioned to me that his lovely 9 year old son (Rat Boy) who is in 4th grade did the unthinkable. This child had waited until the last minute to tell his father of a report due on Friday (today) on one of the California missions. Now all parents in the state of California, who have had one or more children in the public school system know that in 4th grade your spawn will be assigned "The Mission Project". Each school district varies a little bit, but the project usually consists of writing a paper on the history of the mission and then making a diorama, replica, horrific mess to represent the mission you were assigned. Both Smirk and Grin had done this report and I was the one to assist.



But the Ex Mr. was mortified that Rat Boy had waited until Tuesday of the week it was due to inform his father that he would be needing assistance. I had to laugh, see in all these years he has never had to deal with the late night assembly of a diorama or the last minute rush of "can you type my essay, oh yea and maybe help write it too??" Or the best one.. "Mommy, I have a poster board project on the life cycle of a solar system due tomorrow, can you help me?" He has never had to deal with things like that and now thanks to Rat Boy, he was being inducted... I asked him what his issue was.. Hello, I had been doing this for about 12 years now!!!



In all my niceness (as I laughed at his dilemma), I did mention that we, due to the propensity in which my family saves things, probably still had Grin's report laying around somewhere just in case he wanted to teach Rat Boy how to cheat in 4th grade... Surprisingly enought, Grin was so proud of it that she knew exactly where it was... in a bookcase at the Ex Mr.'s own house... I wonder?? Did he pass ethics 101 or did he take the easy way out.... We shall have to see but I am betting he spent the better part of this week figuring out how to construct the diorama...

Just in case you were wondering...

I have been told I need a vacation... Several times...But who can afford a vacation?? So, just in case I win the lottery or people decide they want to give me a really nice "39 again and I start going backwards" birthday present this year, here is where I would like to travel...

Lake Como to see George Clooney's house -

Montepulciano in Tuscany -

Bora Bora -

although this requires a bathing suit and unless fashions have gone back to the style of the late 1890's, this might not work for me

Other places I would happily consider-

Monte Carlo, Paris, London, Ireland, The Caribbean (any where, I dont care), Morocco, Tangiers, Cairo, Australia

Of course, I would love to have someone to travel with so if you want to buy and come along even better!!!! Other options would be someone could find me a very wealthy, handsome man who needs a travelling companion or personal assistant (ie, George Clooney) and I would be happy to join him on his venture....

Big Issues

I have issues...

I would like to officially blame them on my parental units! Yes, thanks to you Dad, I cannot stand it when someone, especially someone in an authoritative role, massacres the words February and Library. I realize that this is small in comparison to say a teacher or student walking into a class room with an AK-47 and shooting up the place but when I hear a teacher or professor or President/Candidate or even the CEO of my company say the word "febuary" it makes this artery in right eye spasm. Or the LIBRARIAN at the local high school leaving me a message on the answering machine informing that Smirk needs to return the Canterbury Tales to the LIBARY. The LIBARY??? Does she work in a different facility than the Library that holds books, you know the one.. Word root Libri that meant "book, paper, parchment," originally "the inner bark of trees," (did you know we used to write on the inner bark of trees, but I digress) How would the woman not know that she works in a Library? What about the teachers who tell my children that in Febuary there will be a school vacation? Or the president who talks about Presidents Day Holiday in Febuary?? Are their 13 months in the year and if so, why would they name the 13th one so very similarly to the 2nd month of the calendar year? And why does not this month show up in my calendar?? Is it a Mayan or Aztec thing??? Maybe it was the one that got throw out of the Gregorian Calendar in the 1500's??

Why does this bother me so... Probably because my father was a freak and kept correcting things like this as I grew up and now it has rubbed off on me.. I have no tolerance for this error of humanity.. Nor do I for spelling errors by people who are supposedly college educated.. I received an email from someone who has graduated from college and is supposedly higher up in the company than me (I let them believe this, they just really don't know the truth). The email read " I have also inputted a return label into the envelope"... She INPUTTED??? So she typed the return label into the computer envelope for me?? Or did she input a return label??? Am I crazy?? I can understand typing errors... Sure but this was not a typo... This was just plain bad grammar! Do people not use spell check? Does no one proofread any more??? For instance, I was reading a book this weekend and I found two grammatical errors (theirs/theres), not just typos (there were several of those as well, but my problem was that this was a published piece of work... Do they not hire proofreaders??? I want that job... That's it... I quit, I will just turn over a new leaf and stop being so critical. I will join the masses! So I balame all my probolems on my Daddie and Mommie an will be like the rest of the folk in the world and not care what I do or say in Febuary or january and I will never go to the libary to look up a word. Theirs a place I just can not stand....

What do you say?

What do you say to someone when you know their heart is breaking and there is nothing that you can say that will make it better? What do you say to someone who is both angry and in shock? What do you say to a 17 year old girl whose father had a massive heart attack and she didn't get to say goodbye? Nothing... You just sit there and hold her and hug her and cry on the top of her head because she is sobbing in your arms.

Yesterday, Pony Princess', Smirk's best friend, father died. He knew something was wrong with him. He was worried about it but didn't do anything. As I told Pony Princess, maybe he thought it was minor and he had plenty of time... He wrote his 5 children a note telling them how much he loved them and explaining things (I didn't really get the gist of this note through the sobbing and snot) but it was not enough for any of them. She was feeling guilty for being mad at him. That I quickly dispelled.. I did tell her it was ABSOLUTELY OK to be mad at him for leaving her. She felt guilty for not wanting to go home to her crazy family. She has two older sisters and is the youngest of triplets. The oldest sister is all of 23 and is getting married in a few months. Her sister who is 21 is an alcoholic /druggie who was focusing her grief on cigarettes and a bottle (ironic as their Dad was a big AA follower), her older triplet sister has a baby to care for and was falling apart and the only boy of the family the middle triplet was just angry at the world.
Smirk, Grin, Lane (Smirk's other best friend) and I tried to explain that she did not have to face anyone in that house right away. She could stay hidden with us at my house and deal with them when she felt up to it. But the thing that broke my heart most was when she sobbed into my chest and said that she just wanted him to be proud of her and see her walk at her graduation next month and then take her to college in the fall (she is the first and probably only one of her sisters going to college). Her only thought was that he wouldn't be proud of her. That one brought me to tears...
So they are all at my house today... No one really felt like going to school... (except Grin, she had a play to do and didn't have a choice). They were going to hang around my house and just be there for her in case she needed shoulders to cry on... I know it will get easier on her, eventually, but I just wish there was something that I could do, something I could say... But what can you ever really say....

Mothers Day Schmothers Day...

I wish I could tell you about my fabulous mothers day... You know the one... (Cue the dreamy music) The one with the attentive loving children who burst into your room at at least 9am so you could sleep in, with a full cup of hot coffee with soy milk and some fabulous breakfast that they have made,

showering you with presents and a gift certificate bought by their father, in order for you to go and get your toes done or the massage you desperately need.

They proceed into the day not fighting and clean up their room and finish their homework, all the while asking if they can get you anything.... (See the dream... Now find the big pin to POP MY BUBBLE)

My mothers day did start at 10ish when my children sullenly stomped into the house.. There was a slight change of plans as they were supposed to come home from the Ex Mr. Amused's house on Saturday night but due to party plans that were happening there, they were forced to stay until the morning. My spawn had planned to rise early and come over in order for me to get my coffee and breakfast.... Planning was never something they were good at...So at 10ish when they stomped in, I have already been caffeinated and am starving. Were there presents??? NO! Was there anything??? No... Did they stop fighting??? No. Did they help in anyway, shape or from? Maybe... Grin did help me "cook" dinner. We had roast chicken from the grocery store, cheese, crackers and veggies and dip. Her cooking was to cut the cucumbers... She was a very big help however, this was ruined as she proceeded to scowl at her sister and they fought over something stupid again...

On a positive note, I did get to watch the Game Plan with The Rock... Cute... And How to Marry a Millionaire...Classic... And the First Wives Club... Hysterical! So decent movie day, still need to do 12 loads of laundry and dishes and clean up the living room, but tomorrow is another day.

How way your weekend????

Training...

Can I start a world wide training class that will teach people courtesy??? Not just please and thank you when someone does something for you or saying excuse me when you burp or bless you when someone sneezes.. Those are the basics, the easy ones that most people forget, but you deal... No I am talking about things that must not be common sense.

For instance, since I have had to go into the office everyday here at Dash, the large International Wireless Carrier where I work and people are just plain inconsiderate... I come in and see the coffee pot is empty, so I make a pot, head to my desk to put away all my stuff and get started on my day. This takes about 5 minutes before I grab my mug (we have gone green and now have no more Styrofoam cups) and head back into the break room to get the elixir of the gods that keeps my brain firing and see SNEAKING LAZY BASTARD who just took the last of the coffee and put the almost empty pot back on the burner without starting anymore... I mean people, it has been 5 minutes since I made the other pot, what did you all do sit and wait to hear the sounds of someone come in and start the coffee, wait until you hear them walk away and BOLT into the kitchen to take it all??? And what the hell is with leaving a tiny bit in the bottom of the pot.. Just finish it, I mean does that qualify as it not being empty so you cant make more???

Or there is the loverly woman who albeit very nice, is a bit on the overweight side (about 200 pounds) who wears at least a quart of perfume everyday. And it isn't expensive perfume so not only does it reek, but it actually burns my nose... But I suppose it is an early warning sign that she is walking down the hall towards the bathroom and it will uninhabitable for at least a 1/2 hour.

What about the very nice couple, who I have never seen in a cube near me... They must be buried somewhere in the rats maze of cubicles, but they eat their lunch every day in the break room. And every day it smells like shrimp ramen... it is vile and disgusting. I am not a fish lover, with the exception of Tallulah/Karl who will not be swimming in Ramen, and do not think I should have to be subjected to the GAG INDUCING smell of this fishy, vile disgustingness while trying to retrieve and heat my lunch. Can smells rub off on foods in the microwave?? I swear my veggies smell like FISH!! Must people bring rancid smelling food to the office to eat??

Its not just smells that annoy me!! Being that I work for a wireless company, people seem to think that every one wants to hear their conversations about little Tyreek and his poo problems. I am very sorry for Tyreek, first because someone in this day and age has named their child something that will induce teasing and torture during his school years (has no one learned) and second because I think that Tyreek's poo problems are better left discussed in private as opposed to the push to talk phones we are currently pushing on the nation. I always try to be courteous about the level of my voice, sometimes my spawn ask me why I am whispering...

Am I too sensitive??? Am I being crazy??? Please tell me I am not the only one with these issues????