The New Year???

Tonight is the night that people stay up and welcome the new year with noise and champagne and kisses! I however, will be home with Smirk and her friends playing Scrabble or Risk. I will most likely be asleep before midnight, but they will make it I am sure. I may get a kiss from my lovely daughter at midnight, but that is about it... Grin will be in a hotel room in Pasadena with her best friend Oatsnhorses and her family,waiting to see the Rose Parade in the morning. They will have a wonderful time I am sure!!!

Now for the unrealistic part of the new year... Resolutions....

In 2009, I resolve to:

• Giggle more with my girls
• Talk walks to nowhere for no reason other than to enjoy the world outside
• work just the right amount
• enjoy more
• lose the weight on my shoulders by thinking better thoughts
• stop saving things for a rainy day... too many have passed by
• play more games, they are beneficial.
• lose a little weight around my waist, so I can run down the beach
• Remember to by a lotto ticket, you cant win if you don't play

This will be fun if I can just remember to stick to them!

Have a Happy and Safe New Year!

Christmas miracles and how to do them properly!

The ex Mr amused and his wife decided to tell their son, Elmer, that Santa is not real... He is only 10 and if they had any imagination, they could have kept this up for a while. What is more fun on Christmas morning than the excitement children feel when they see all sorts of gifts under the tree that magically appeared in the night.... Smirk and Grin decided that this was an error in judgement, so I hatched a plan! Now I am really good at the Christmas magic... Ask Grin she will tell you all about the year "Santa" made a letter appear on the printer telling her about the good deed she did by giving the doll that she really wanted, but was way too expensive for my budget, to a homeless girl who lived in a car in Alabama... But this years Christmas miracle had to be good.... My plan was to do a midnight raid on his house and leave presents from Santa for Elmer under the tree. Grin would hold the dog outside, Smirk would crawl in the doggy door and deposit the presents. I would be in the car with the engine running.... There would be black clothes, dropping and rolling and jingle bells. All this would be done at midnight Christmas eve!!! So we planned for the fun!

We bought 3 gifts. Nice small and fun. No books as that would be a dead giveaway it was from me. We purchased special wrapping paper, just the right hint of old fashioned but nothing like we had at home, another dead giveaway. We wrapped and waited. We planned and then made contingencies... Just in case the parents were still awake at midnight wrapping presents, Smirk would go in through the back while they were in the garage wrapping... This was their norm.

Finally Christmas eve came and we received a call from the Mr. Ex. He and the family were going to a party! DUH, we had forgotten about the annual boring Christmas eve shindig they attended. We flew into action... Gifts in the car, no need for black face, clothes or jingle bells, just sneaking in the back and tucking presents under the tree where we hoped no one would see until morning. Darkness had fallen by the time we arrived, nothing stirred in the house, minus the dog. We snuck into the gate, hiding as we went, still doing the mission impossible moves we had seen in every movie. We obtained entry through the doggy door, put the presents down, then realized we never wrote his name on them... So we rumbled around for a pen, careful to leave no traces that we were ever there, I wrote his name disguising my handwriting, we placed carefully and snuck out the door. There was mass giggling and hiding. We then drove home, happy that the first part of the plan went well!

The next day, Christmas morning, was fantastic! We opened presents, drank coffee and cocoa all snuggled up in our jammies, when upon the table there arose such a clatter... The jingle of text messages arriving in tandem, we jumped from the couch to see what was the spasm. The message was from Daddy proclaiming our greatness... Giggles and smiles were passed but unawareness we replied. We protested our innocence. How could we know what happened at his house 30 miles away!! He did not believe us until we drove up in the drive. He sprang from his house to question and query. Did they drive here last, was the question he pondered. I responded no... how could they, when would they, we were together all evening. The confusion on his face was priceless. The girls they did question. The Christmas miracle was a success. No one still knows the truth... And unless an elf cracks.. No one will... Now to plan for next Christmas... How do we top this one????

I hate shopping!

I love presents. The surprise and happiness on peoples faces when the get presents. I love to give and receive them. I however hate to shop for them. Malls are horrible. People are rude and smelly. I realize that the store I was in had far too many people it for the air conditioner to work effectively but come on it was broiling. And the many of the unwashed masses were huddling exactly where I wanted to be. And no one knows the meaning of the words personal space. Why was the woman in line so close to my behind that she kept hitting my purse with her elbow. I finally had to accidentally swing my body to the side to violently cough and hit her with my purse. She was that close... Why?? Do you need to be close enough to me to smell me?? There is nothing in my purse of interest so back off! Not only that but I couldnt find the shoes I was looking for even though the girl on the phone told me they had them. Did you know that no one sells regular televisions any more?? No flat screens only... What if I dont want a flat screen especially not one that is about 15 inches and cost more than my car. Next year, no shopping! everyone gets home made presents. I am going to spend the year learning how to knit and make my own sweaters... Or maybe just alot of internet shopping!!

And I still have to go to Toys R Us....

Red red wine... Goes to my head...

Yeah!!! Today scientists have announced that red wine, with diet, exercise and mental activity may help prevent Alzheimer's!! And since half of my family is quite prone to loosing their mind this is a very good thing!!! I will be buying 2 buck chuck by the caseload.

http://www.livescience.com/health/060928_red_wine.html

The 7th gate of hell??

So since I turned 40 (I think I just threw up a little in my mouth, it is still very hard to say that I am 40. Damn there it is again) the lovely people at the DMV decided that it would be fun to coincide the expiration of my driver's licence with my birthday. Not only did it expire, but I was not being allowed to renew by mail. I had to go into their locations. These are horrible places where people can become stuck in the quagmire of bureaucracy.

But the worse part of this.... I forgot about it.... Completely! Did not even realize that for the past week, I have been driving on an expired driver's licence. So when a friend who just moved into my area called me for directions, it sparked a little hint of panic. I said a few choice expletives and asked her if she wanted company! She came to my house, dropped her kids off with mine and we left to go to the 7th gate of hell... The local DMV.

The closest office to my house is a block away from the beach in San Clemente. We drove there expecting a lengthy wait. We each had a book to read and she had her computer in case we needed to log in and do something for work.


As we walked in through glass double doors in the large space at the local strip mall, there was no line.. Waiting at the end of the fake leather encased ropes where their should have been hundreds of people queuing was a friendly face. She laughed and even cracked a joke! She handed me the paper I needed to fill out and we were each given a number. We sat down to fill out our respective papers and after 5 minutes our numbers were called. YES you read that correctly FIVE minutes. I barely had time to finish filling out the entire form! We walked to counters that were right next to one another and both of the women at this location were also nice... Not overly perky, but pleasant.... They looked over the forms, asked us to read the abc's that were way far away, asked for money, gave us receipts and sent us to the next window to get our pictures taken. We practically ran over to the next counter to see what wonders waited there. There was a mirror and a red carpet and a very nice, laughing employee. She was happy, she took our pictures, told us the photos looked good, said have a nice day!!

What was this place?? Did we enter an alternate reality? Every time I have been to the DMV I had to wait so long it was like that the scene in Beetlejuice...

But instead it was like a scene out of Pushing Daisies...There was singing, dancing, bright colors and pie...

Well, without the pie... And singing... And dancing for that matter, but there were bright colors.

Life in the fast lane???

So I am just going to come out and say it... Get it over with, just like ripping a band aid off the hairy part of your arm... Yesterday was my 40th birthday. The more I say it, the easier it gets to admit that I am 40... My birthday was spent working... Avoiding the birthday thought... Although everyone wanted to give me their best wishes, I suspect they really wanted to see if someone brought cake. Smirk and Grin were very sweet. They tried to make dinner, I helped, just so it wouldnt burn. They did clean the living room. I got a lovely card from my parents! But the kicker is when the Ex Mr. Amused called to ask me a question and then had to remind me that he might be a year older than me but as a man, he gets distinguished but women just get old... Not fair!

It is really difficult to think that I can possibly be old enough to have lived through the 70's, the 80's and the 90's. I dont feel 40, but it is sad... I am supposedly now middle aged. I am also now classified as a cougar... This is not right! Why are women cougars??? For instance...Would anyone call this man a cougar? He is 2 days older than I am and still beautiful.

This link below does make me feel better although, I do not have a personal trainer and lots and lots of money to help me with this transition but does anyone ever call these ladies cougars??? I dont think so!!

http://www.filmschoolrejects.com/opinions/a-dozen-actresses-in-their-40s-that-still-rev-our-engines.php

I do believe I am going to go and finish off the cupcakes that the girls bought me last night. And have at least 5 more cups of coffee then maybe I can face the rest of my new 40 year old life. The coffee may taste funny with the salt from my tears, but I am sure I will be fine... But I never want to hear about big cats again....

Amazing adventures in Hollywood!

For months, the girls and I have been trying to get to go see a taping of the Ellen Degeneres show. For those living under a rock.... We love her and think she is hysterical. Every time we would check her website, there were no tickets available. Well this month, I checked and they had some availability. So I signed us up to attend a taping on October 14th. After I signed up for the tickets, I sent an email to Ellen from Smirk.. The email had said that the girls wanted to take me for my birthday... As it is a big birthday... And guess what happened!!!

Last week we got a call from Ellen's production company. They didn't have tickets for the 14th, but had standby tickets for October 7th. They were only standby and we might not get in but they assured us that if we didn't get in we would have guaranteed tickets for a later date. We all felt lucky and said OK!

So today we drove up to Burbank, went to the studio and checked in. We were handed standby numbers 302 - 305!!! This was for the 2nd taping of the day!!!! There were 200 people inside the studio at a time.

As we stood at the street signal to cross the street I happened to notice a very tall, sun glassed guy standing on the opposite corner of the street. I grabbed Grin by the arm and said "Look, MEN IN TREES!!! Abraham Benrubi... The bartender!!! We were so excited! We loved that show and he was fantastic in it!! Grin nearly stopped breathing!!

So after we crossed the street, we were escorted to the riff raff room right inside the entrance a very large sound stage. Really nice, huge screen tv's couches and the Ellen store. We got to watch and listen to the taping. It was so fun!!! Today's show taping was actually for October 16th. Now every day, on Ellen, she gives away fabulous gifts and door prizes. Carlos, the production assistant told us that the Riff Raff doesn't usually get the swag that they give away, but he would try! And low and behold he did!!! We all received copies of Natasha Bedingfield's CD.... Again for those rock people http://www.natashabedingfield.com/home.html. Natasha sings the popular song, Pocket full of sunshine. She is also helping promote a Wii Video game called Boogie Superstar. We got both of those! But the most amazing and wonderful prize. Since this is breast cancer awareness month, and Ellen is a big supporter of breast cancer research, she is raising money for the Susan G. Komen foundation. (if you would like to donate... visit www.ellentv.com) Wacoal ,the bra company has decided to help her cause. The folks at Wacoal donated $50,000 to Ellen's race for the cure and they donated bras and a fitting to everyone in the audience!!!! We were soooo excited to find out that we in the Riff Raff room got all of these things too!!!!! WAHOO!! We all get new bras!!! How excited are we!!!

We got to see a star and get a new bra too!!!! We also got our guaranteed tickets and will be going back to see the actual taping of the show in November! Hollywood is so fantastic!

The beginning of my depression...

So if this guy can get a girl, why the heck cant I find a guy... So do I need to be either morbidly obese or need to be super thin...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/7648634.stm

Never ending pasta bowl???

So Olive Garden has the never ending pasta bowl.... Vegas has their massive buffets... There the song that never ends, and the Never Ending Story... People say love never ends.

But today Smirk and I decided that we need to have other never ending things in our lives. For one, we want a never ending supply of shampoo and conditioner. Pipes that run into our house, directly into our showers. It would be great if they could have pumps and we could always have shampoo and conditioner!

We also want a never ending supply of milk... I used to think we wanted a cow but where the hell would we put a 1 ton animal? It wont fit in our front walk, the neighbors might object to the smell. And I think the gardeners would be very pissed off about the manure, although it is natural!! So we decided that just like water into the fridge, we want milk... Again, more pipes, but hey, it could work!!

Our last "never ending" is gas... Not sure how that one would work... Magic, tanker trucks following us around, or just free gas for life. But I think every body wants that one... Although if we just had cars that ran on solar or by splitting the atom, we wouldn't need never ending gas.

So, what "never ending" things do you want in your life???

Why bother having children...

People confuse me! Alot... The reason for this confusion are parents. For instance, Smirk has two best friends who left for college this weekend. As the adoptive mommy, I was required to drive to Santa Barbara to help them settle. As the adoptive mommy who doesn't get along with the real mommy, I was not going to go until real mommy left. Smirk and I started our drive at 11:30am.
We got to Santa Barbara (which is only about 100 miles away) 3 hours later. Traffic sucked because people cant drive, but not the point.

Pony Princess and Pimp Daddy (the two friends) had left with their respective parents at 6am. Pony princess' mother and sister drove her up to the campus, help her dump her stuff into a bin and carry said stuff up the stairs and then LEFT.

Pimp Daddy's mum, drove up there, help him unload, helped him make his bed, realized they didn't have some supplies, took Pony Princess, Pimp Daddy and Lane (another bff) to the store (about a 1/2 hour away), purchased stuff, bought them all lunch, made sure PD had everything he could need, called every relative known to man to show her pride in her college man....

So when adoptive mommy gets there, Pony Princess has made her bed, tried to unload her stuff in the 12 x 1o closet she shares with 2 other girls. She is completely unorganized. Being the last girl to arrive, she gets a desk, a small two drawer dresser, and 1/3 of each wardrobe. She also gets the top bunk, which is fine, except she had made her bed without washing her sheets or airing out the memory foam pad. The memory foam pad that MY AUNTIE purchased her, and the sheets that I purchased for her... Her real mommy did nothing. She didn't stay to help, she didn't help put things away, she didn't go through the room checklist to determine what the kid might need, she just left....

So being my normal mild mannered self, I sat idly by and let poor Pony Princess flounder and struggle... NOT!! Of course I took charge... We went through her room, marked out things that were wrong, made a list of what she didn't have but would need ( a chair pad for the really hard wooden desk chair) We didn't have paper to make the list so Smirk wrote all of the items on her hands... She looked like the guy from the movie Memento. Then we toured the campus, finding things, helping her get hooked up to the Internet, find the food court area, find fun things to do for the next week, help her find the job center. By the time we left, I was exhausted.

But why didn't her own mother do all of this? Why just dump the kid off and bail. Why not help her? Did she just have 5 children to have minions to take out the trash?? And especially this kid, out of the 5, Pony Princess is the only one who is not a mother at 16, or a drug addict and the only one going to college... Wouldn't you want to do extra for her???

This whole day made Smirk very sad. Not only because two of her bff's are far away, but she really wants to go away to experience college life. I understand too... I want to get away but not for college life.... How about tropical island life?? Rich heiress life?? Idle rich life??? Those would work for me...

School Daze...

September has come!! School has started for all the amused girls. Grin gets up at 5:30am so she can be in her first class of the day starting at 6:41am. So in turn the chauffeur gets up at 5:00am just to make sure the happy girl gets moving! I blearily make peanut butter sammies at 6am and get ready to drive her away. Her first class is Spanish...How one can concentrate on a foreign language at 6:40 in the morning is beyond me especially since I have a difficulty with English at that time. Meanwhile Smirk sleeps in until 8:30ish, since her first class doesn't start until 10:30am.

Grin is loving school (no surprise there) while Smirk is sad... Her friends are all leaving for college this next weekend and she feels like she is missing out on an experience by staying at home and going to community college. She understands why she needs to do it and agrees it is smart and the best choice for us, but it is hard. She wants a dorm room and to go away and try to learn on her own.

But Smirk will meet new people...She had her first job interview yesterday. We dressed her up in one of my suit dresses and pearls (she spruced it up with a belt and pretty shoes) and went down to the Marriott Renaissance Club Sport. She interviewed to be a Kid Club attendant, basically a babysitter for the rich and snooty members who go to this spa/fitness center/hotel and bring their children. When she got back, I of course, peppered her with questions... The conversation went something like this (please keep in mind, I did have about 5 cups of coffee)

Me: So, how did it go??
Smirk: it was good
Me: Good? Did you like the place? What was the job? Were the people nice?
S: It was...
M: What do they want you to do? Did they tell you when they would call and let you know if you got it? Did you get a card of the person you spoke to?
S: It would...
M: Did you tell them about your school schedule? Were they willing to work with you on that??
S: MOTHER... SHUT UP for 2 minutes and I will tell you everything...
M: Sorry.....
S: It was fine, I like the place, I would be a babysitter, the people were nice... What else do you want to know??? SLOWLY... And by the way, no more coffee...
M: Did you get the name and business card of the person who interviewed you...
S: No, her name was Hope, but why would I get her card...
M: How will you send her a thank you letter?
S: What ever...
M: but... You have.. You need to...
S: Whatever, but on a good note.. There was a way hot guy working there!
M: AAARRRGGGHHH!!!

Maybe I need to start spiking my coffee....

I love technology???

As I sit in the airport, tethered to my laptop in the special armchairs that have electric plugs between each chair, I realize how much I have missed as I sit here working... Still... I have been working since 7am and it is now 6:30pm... Am I insane?? Instead of going and having a drink at the restaurant, I sit hear typing away... Working...Not looking up to see the strange and often amusing sights at the airport... For instance, the guy in the t-shirt that has been customized..Ripped off sleeves and a v cut into the neck to allow his fur to poke out the top of his neck line accessorized by the large gold chain at his neck, pinkie ring and belly hanging over the jeans (too tight)...Or there is the guys from my group... Sales guys, need I say more. They are all shmoozy and sitting across the terminal from me. After having spent 3 days with me they are so self absorbed they look up but dont really "look" at all and still have not seen me. Or the exhausted parents chasing their small children through the airport, hopefully trying to tire them out so they will not scream when held captive on the plane for the hour long flight.

I used to think it was fun to people watch and be adventurous when in a new city. You know, not worry about getting lost while driving through the place. Thinking it might be fun to ask someone for directions... But now instead taking adventure, I take the GPS option in the rental car. I have "Prudence" to keep me company. Garmin's option of voices in the GPS is a tight lipped British voice telling you to TURN RIGHT HERE. The accent makes the directions sound safe and intelligent, even though I didnt program it correctly and went for shortest route, not fastest and drove through cow country...Did you know there are are alpacas living in San Ramon, California. I sure didnt until now... I did love having the GPS and never leave home without mine... But what happened to the days of real maps...You know the ones, the paper things with all the folds that you get from AAA not that piece of paper you printed off Yahoo!Maps. Is there some sort of map makers guild with a bunch of old guys sitting around drinking coffee bitching about the state of the world and how they are obsolete now that there is GPS?? Or what about gas stations, do you think anyone ever comes in and asks for directions in a small town gas station? What if my soulmate was in that gas station waiting for me to come and ask directions and I bypass it and use my GPS....I guess I will never know..... For now I will sit here and play a game, read a blog and not look up for the next two hours til my flight departs... Solitary, alone and sucked in by my new best friend...Technology

Can September come any faster???

I love summer. It is great! Nice and warm, everyone seems a bit relaxed... But this year, I just wish September would come now and get these hellions out of my house!!! At least for a few hours!! Smirk registered for her classes yesterday at the local college, so she is now officially a full time college student! Now to get her a job, and we will be set!!!

Grin has been doing homework for her summer class so she really hasn't had a break. She says all her crankiness, I mean studious hard work will pay off when she is a top notch veterinarian and will support me in my old age (HA)

Someday soon my children will leave me and I will look back on these days of stress and telling them to get their disgusting feet off my couch and pick up the food wrappers from the floor, and be sad. I am sure almost wistful for these days again, but for now... They need to get out!!!

guilty pleasures

So the spawn and I were sitting around the house today watching movies while I worked from home. And the commercial for the Lifetime"Flying Tigress" came on. We realized that everyone watches Lifetime but no one wants to actually admit it. Where else can you get the cheesy movies that you all love but wont ever come clean about it... But if someone does get up the courage to speak about one, you know every line. You know the programming I am referring to... The Epics "Mother May I Sleep With Danger?" "Sex and the Single Mom" "Army Wives". These are all great movies/shows, but would you really admit that you watch them or are they your guilty little pleasures that you watch as you curl up on your couch on a Sunday in pj's... (This could also be substituted with every Bruce Willis movie ever made).

What about staying in bed all day long on a rainy day, reading books and drinking tea, while skipping the massive piles of laundry that are threatening to walk themselves to the washer?

Or how about in the days of cheaper gas, driving down the road with the windows down, singing "Brown Eyed Girl" or "Surfin USA" at the top of your lungs (not exactly in key).

There is always that shopping trip that you have to make but really don't want to and yet you end up finding the most amazing treasure ever... And at 70% off!!

Those are mine, so what guilty pleasures do you have????

Fire Watch 08

Smirk and her friends are out in the woods alone! No grown ups (unless you count Smirk, who technically is an adult, but not really), no rules, no curfew, no nothing... Including tent poles and matches....

The group decided to go camping. They planned this for all of about 2 days. Then was the mad dash to get supplies, find a campsite and actually drive up the mountain. None of them had ever been camping without an adult preparing for them so watching this was absolute comedy!! Conversations were had that went like this - Smirk "So what should we get to eat? I am thinking sandwich stuff, maybe some steaks, some spaghetti?" Best Friend #1 "Sounds good!!! So we will need steak, plates and A1 sauce and forks" Interjection from the mother listening from the couch "Unless you enjoy steak tartar, how will you be cooking this side of beef and fabulous pasta meal?" Silence - crickets chirping - "Uh, what do you mean?" said BFF. "Well to cook steak is not that difficult on a grill, but unless you have a rotisserie spit or really large grill for your open campfire, since the campsites do not have a barbecue provided, what will you be doing? And how will you boil the water for the pasta??? Are you bringing a pot and if so, I want to see which one so you dont lose my favorite pot in the woods!"

Eventually pasta was nixed and the girls purchased a small charcoal barbecue. They also purchased all of the food and supplies while the two strapping man boys who are also attending this outdoor fest did NOTHING!!! They said they will give money later.

They finally made it up to the mountain and unpacked the car... Hilarity ensued for us parents when the ex Mr Amused called me and asked if I had heard from the mountaineers... I said yes but hours ago... He informed me he had just received a call from a very unhappy Smirk... She asked him where the tent poles were..... OOOPS.. She took the tent, but failed to grab the poles from the cabinet behind the tent. The boys refused to go back down the mountain (an hour drive) to get them, they also refused to go into town (a 10 minute drive) to go to the local sporting goods store and see if there was tent to be rented. They wanted to be manly and sleep in the outdoors...

I will be going to stock up on calamine lotion for when the return!!! I am taking bets.. They are supposed to return on Thursday evening... I say they will be back Wednesday at about noon....

Do you feel like dancing, wooo dancing...

I love music... Any kind of music, I am not partial. I can listen to country, rock, metal rock, gregorian chants, 80's punk, classical, broadway show tunes. I like it all. Smirk seems to have inherited my love of music (without the classical and gregorian chants) and could not survive without the invent of the ipod. She can be found bouncing around the house dancing to her own beat.
We all have deep conversations about figuring out our theme songs. We can be found breaking out into song to answer random questions.
Grin, is far more serious in her musical thoughts (as she is with everything else). While she does participate in our fun, she only likes certain musical genres. We are trying to expand her horizons but it is difficult.

Grin cannot read and listen to music at the same time. Nor can she do homework while the TV or radio is on. She has to have complete silence while reading...For instance right now the clicking of the keyboard is probably driving her insane as she sits next to me in a catatonic state while struggling through the first chapter of the Mayor of Casterbridge for her summer reading lists. You can hear ever twitter of the birds outside. You can hear the leaf drop from the trees...

The silence is DEAFENING and killing me....

Resorting to Smirk's ipod, as she is still asleep and surgically removed it from her head before bed. It is quite a picture.... Me, head nodding back and forth, typing in time to the beat of some 80's pop band ooh-laa-ing about how to free my mind and the rest will follow into my ear, while I lip sync along, for I am not allowed to sing aloud. While my lovely child glares over the top of the book, like a somber librarian shushing me, informing me that my lip syncing is loud and just as distracting as my chair dancing... I feel like Kevin Bacon in footloose... I am going to explode into dance and song very soon!!! She better watch out.... I am going to start jumping on the couch and dancing around her prostrate, taciturn body. I do believe I will start with a melody about my favorite things....

Ou est la couer?

I have been in love with France ever since I set foot in the country in 1986. And not just France, I love England and Italy and Switzerland as well. But while in France, I had no money left on my European trip and my parents had wired me money. Only hitch, I had to go to a specific bank. I couldnt just go to the local B of A and pick up money, no I had to go to a bank on a certain street. I had the address and set out with a group of friends on our free time day in Paris. I was the only one who could speak French and that was passable at best. We started from the hostel and went out on the Champs D'Elysee and walked with L'Arc du Triumph at our backs. We found the nearest Metro station and paid for a ticket. I found the street we needed to be on and the correct stop and jumped on the next train. We got to the street just fine, but then we could not find the bank. There were beautiful buildings in this district but none said Banque... Nothing.. The girls were all afraid of asking someone for help as we had all heard about the French attitude towards Americans... But I was not afraid. I walked right up the nearest local and asked in atrocius french, "Ou est la banque?" He started to babble very fast and motion with his hands.. I tried to follow along and watch his hands, but it was to no avail.. I was completely lost... I started to tear up and this very sweet old french man stopped... He looked at me and said in Frenglish... "Alors!! No, do not cry ma petite, follow me!" This sweet man took us all like ducklings to the door of the bank! He came inside with us and told the teller what we needed! I nearly hugged him and kissed him!!! He was my hero. As the teller took my paper with the money transfer info and my passport, I turned to thank our hero, but he was walking out the door... We all very unlady like yelled across the very quiet, old financial institution our profuse thank you's.

Ever since that moment, I have wanted to go back to France. I want to live in a old chateau in some sleepy, sun drenched town full of vineyards and old stone houses. I have read books because they are set in france. I love Joanne Harris novels and french wine. I subscribe to a daily email subscription from an English painter who lives in Provence. He paints the local landscapes and still life paintings. They are lovely!! http://www.shiftinglight.com/

Some of my favorite movies are french!!! Have you ever watched the Umbrellas of Cherbourg?? Fantastic movie from the 60's. I have now found a new one!!!! Today I watched "A Good Year" http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0401445/ and now I want an eccentric uncle to leave me his vineyard in France... Can someone please find me one??? I dont believe we have any in my family but if anyone out there in blog land would like to adopt me and bequeath their vineyard to me, I will be more than happy to live their and make fantastic wine!!!

Now that I have had my dreams of france, I must go back to the drudgery of the day and go to the grocery store... and laundry... and vacuuming.... I realize that I would have to do all of these things if I lived en France' but if I were there, it would be far more wonderful and romantic to do these mundane chores there, than here....

Drama!!

I have been a bad blogger! I realize that I have not posted in quite some time, but WOW! We have been a busy household. This week has seen finals, volunteering, end of school and more work than I need!


Since the school year is coming to an end we have had finals and studying for finals. And alot of "Last" things for high school! Smirk is graduating on WEDNESDAY! My baby is now a full grown adult. She is smart and amazing and I cannot wait to see what she makes of herself in the future.


Grin, with 2 years left in high school, is also amazing but more exciting, her Dad finally realized that she is talented and he should stop picking on her for wanting to be in the Drama program. She and her fellow sophomores had to perform monologues in front of an actual audience. Hers was touching and she did really well!!! The ex Mr. Amused was extremely upset with me for saying anything negative (HELLO, all I said was that she needed to slow down, she got nervous when she looked out into the audience and saw us and went a little fast) but ex Mr has completely changed his tune...


Grin also was kidnapped Friday night or Saturday morning, but I stayed up almost all night to make sure the kidnappers actually got in our abode... They did and was it worth it!!! One was dressed as a parrot, one was dressed as a pirate, there was a maid and a one had an outfit I didnt really recognize, but it was dark when they finally arrived at 5:30am (they were kinda like the cable company as they were supposed to arrive between 2 and 4am) but they walked into the living room and I could hear them whispering, now what?? So I whispered back "Are you the kidnappers?" they whispered back a fervent yes! (they had tried several "G" apartments in my complex...weird that people dont lock their doors) they trooped upstairs as quietly as someone dressed in a parrot costume could and went into Grin and Smirks room.. Then there was some confusion as to which bed to look in as there are 3 in the room... Two real beds and one air mattress on the floor for Pony Princess when she stays over... So I pointed them in the right direction and they couldnt find her head... after they found that she was blindfolded and trooped down the stairs and out into the car... She had a great time and has been formally inducted onto the Thespian Society Student Board as the Scribe... She isnt quite sure of what that entails, but she is excited!

Now we are off to clean the for the arriving graduation party relatives!!

Kids...

Let me start out by making this statement... I love kids. I really do. I think little ones are fun and innocent and make great toys! They can amuse you for hours! I even like it when they get bigger, but they do have attitude when they get bigger, but it is still fun...

What I dont like is when GROWN UPS bring children into places that are not appropriate places for kids. Like right now for instance... I am sitting at my desk trying to figure out this stupid spreadsheet and double check it to the power point presentation when all of a sudden there is whining... And crying from a small little, drippy boy child of about 3 years old. The lovely lady 2 cubes back has brought her grandson in to see her for lunch. This wouldnt be bad if his mother, the 17 year old high school-about-to-be-a-graduate, could control him... She cannot, so his grandmother must keep shushing him while trying to contain his squirms. He is a cute kid, but should be outside, running, playing, squashing bugs and putting them in his pocket or all of the other things boy children do while playing outside. Not being stifled in an office while my boss is on a conference call or I am trying to yell at the helpdesk. She is very kind to ask me if they are making too much noise, but what am I supposed to say?? "Yes, your drooling child is far to loud for the office and I am unfeeling, heartless bitch!" That would work wouldnt it??

I am going to go and text message my About-to-be-a-graduate and thank her for not getting knocked up and making me a grandmother before my 40th birthday!

Teen age Logic???

I will never understand the logic of the teenage mind. Last night when I got home from a hard days work the normal suspects were lounging in my living room. In fact Smirk and her friends were congregated on the floor in the doorway of my back door (weird spot for them to be hanging out as this leads to a bathroom and the garage) and Grin was dutifully doing her homework on the couch. I went into the kitchen and proceeded to notice how miraculously the dishes in the sink seemed to have gone forth and multiplied during the day... I was shocked!! What was a bowl had suddenly turned into a bowl, 5 cups, several sets of utensils, the plastic container holding dinner from the previous two nights, and plates. I began to babble out loud at the strange events, bemusing the thought of party that may have been happening during the day where the cups seduced the forks and told them to jump out of the drawer to come to a hot tub party in the sink! Smirk and her friends looked at me like I was insane...Probably am, but that is another issue... I said to them...Wait, plates and cups are inanimate objects they cant go to a hot tub party... How did they get here... They all laughed and said... Sorry we will put them away next time we raid the refrigerator and eat all of the leftovers you were saving for your lunch for the next two days... (Ok they really didn't say that, but in my head it was a much better answer then "sorry mommy")

So I started to make dinner... And a lovely dinner it was! I started to marinate the beef strips in lime & blood orange juice, mixed with olive oil and chili powder mix... Then I sauteed the squash and onions and peppers, the heated up the refried beans... Do you see the dish yet??

As I started cooking the meat, the teenage garbage disposals started perking up and saying things like "oh that smells so good" or "Smirk, mommy is an amazing cook, what are we going to live off of when we go away to college?".... I ignored all of this fake flattery and continued on my cooking efforts. Then Lane had to go back to school for a band thing and the children all said goodbye... I did not think anyone would be back except for Smirk so I started to plate up the food... Grin was patiently waiting for her food, like a puppy drooling at my feet, so I fed her... She was happy, then the horde came back... Smirk sits down on my lap and says "Hi Mommy we are going out to go get something to eat"

I nearly dropped my fajitas.... I looked at her stunned... I finally stammered out... "WHAT??? Why are you going out??? Does the food only taste good if it has been sitting in the fridge for a day and you eat it cold right after school??? "

They had the audacity to say, well we didnt want to eat your food!!!

Again a "WHAT??? You are just going to eat the leftovers tomorrow so why not eat it now??? What is the difference??"

The hemmed and hawed and then went in and made plates....

But I will never understand the teen age logic... Or is that an oxymoron??

I have a plan!!!

Grin, my adorable and very smart daughter, heard a news report that stated the price of gas in Venezuela is about .07cents a gallon!!! Can you imagine??? HOLY MERDE!!!!

So what we decided we would do is get a consortium together, buy a tanker boat (just a smallish one), cruise to Venezuela, load up on the gas, I will even pay $1 a gallon!!! So we will load it up and cruise back to the coast by our own little house... Every time we want gas we will head down to the harbor, have the boat pull into the marina, pump it out and be on our merry way!!! It would have to be more cost effective than buying gas at a regular pump at $4.05 per gallon or more!!! Wouldn't it???? Any takers????

walking a mile in my size 8.5 black mary jane 3 inch heels!!

I was speaking to the Ex Mr. Amused about his and Smirk's major drama/argument/fight of the century this last weekend, he mentioned to me that his lovely 9 year old son (Rat Boy) who is in 4th grade did the unthinkable. This child had waited until the last minute to tell his father of a report due on Friday (today) on one of the California missions. Now all parents in the state of California, who have had one or more children in the public school system know that in 4th grade your spawn will be assigned "The Mission Project". Each school district varies a little bit, but the project usually consists of writing a paper on the history of the mission and then making a diorama, replica, horrific mess to represent the mission you were assigned. Both Smirk and Grin had done this report and I was the one to assist.



But the Ex Mr. was mortified that Rat Boy had waited until Tuesday of the week it was due to inform his father that he would be needing assistance. I had to laugh, see in all these years he has never had to deal with the late night assembly of a diorama or the last minute rush of "can you type my essay, oh yea and maybe help write it too??" Or the best one.. "Mommy, I have a poster board project on the life cycle of a solar system due tomorrow, can you help me?" He has never had to deal with things like that and now thanks to Rat Boy, he was being inducted... I asked him what his issue was.. Hello, I had been doing this for about 12 years now!!!



In all my niceness (as I laughed at his dilemma), I did mention that we, due to the propensity in which my family saves things, probably still had Grin's report laying around somewhere just in case he wanted to teach Rat Boy how to cheat in 4th grade... Surprisingly enought, Grin was so proud of it that she knew exactly where it was... in a bookcase at the Ex Mr.'s own house... I wonder?? Did he pass ethics 101 or did he take the easy way out.... We shall have to see but I am betting he spent the better part of this week figuring out how to construct the diorama...

Just in case you were wondering...

I have been told I need a vacation... Several times...But who can afford a vacation?? So, just in case I win the lottery or people decide they want to give me a really nice "39 again and I start going backwards" birthday present this year, here is where I would like to travel...

Lake Como to see George Clooney's house -

Montepulciano in Tuscany -

Bora Bora -

although this requires a bathing suit and unless fashions have gone back to the style of the late 1890's, this might not work for me

Other places I would happily consider-

Monte Carlo, Paris, London, Ireland, The Caribbean (any where, I dont care), Morocco, Tangiers, Cairo, Australia

Of course, I would love to have someone to travel with so if you want to buy and come along even better!!!! Other options would be someone could find me a very wealthy, handsome man who needs a travelling companion or personal assistant (ie, George Clooney) and I would be happy to join him on his venture....

Big Issues

I have issues...

I would like to officially blame them on my parental units! Yes, thanks to you Dad, I cannot stand it when someone, especially someone in an authoritative role, massacres the words February and Library. I realize that this is small in comparison to say a teacher or student walking into a class room with an AK-47 and shooting up the place but when I hear a teacher or professor or President/Candidate or even the CEO of my company say the word "febuary" it makes this artery in right eye spasm. Or the LIBRARIAN at the local high school leaving me a message on the answering machine informing that Smirk needs to return the Canterbury Tales to the LIBARY. The LIBARY??? Does she work in a different facility than the Library that holds books, you know the one.. Word root Libri that meant "book, paper, parchment," originally "the inner bark of trees," (did you know we used to write on the inner bark of trees, but I digress) How would the woman not know that she works in a Library? What about the teachers who tell my children that in Febuary there will be a school vacation? Or the president who talks about Presidents Day Holiday in Febuary?? Are their 13 months in the year and if so, why would they name the 13th one so very similarly to the 2nd month of the calendar year? And why does not this month show up in my calendar?? Is it a Mayan or Aztec thing??? Maybe it was the one that got throw out of the Gregorian Calendar in the 1500's??

Why does this bother me so... Probably because my father was a freak and kept correcting things like this as I grew up and now it has rubbed off on me.. I have no tolerance for this error of humanity.. Nor do I for spelling errors by people who are supposedly college educated.. I received an email from someone who has graduated from college and is supposedly higher up in the company than me (I let them believe this, they just really don't know the truth). The email read " I have also inputted a return label into the envelope"... She INPUTTED??? So she typed the return label into the computer envelope for me?? Or did she input a return label??? Am I crazy?? I can understand typing errors... Sure but this was not a typo... This was just plain bad grammar! Do people not use spell check? Does no one proofread any more??? For instance, I was reading a book this weekend and I found two grammatical errors (theirs/theres), not just typos (there were several of those as well, but my problem was that this was a published piece of work... Do they not hire proofreaders??? I want that job... That's it... I quit, I will just turn over a new leaf and stop being so critical. I will join the masses! So I balame all my probolems on my Daddie and Mommie an will be like the rest of the folk in the world and not care what I do or say in Febuary or january and I will never go to the libary to look up a word. Theirs a place I just can not stand....

What do you say?

What do you say to someone when you know their heart is breaking and there is nothing that you can say that will make it better? What do you say to someone who is both angry and in shock? What do you say to a 17 year old girl whose father had a massive heart attack and she didn't get to say goodbye? Nothing... You just sit there and hold her and hug her and cry on the top of her head because she is sobbing in your arms.

Yesterday, Pony Princess', Smirk's best friend, father died. He knew something was wrong with him. He was worried about it but didn't do anything. As I told Pony Princess, maybe he thought it was minor and he had plenty of time... He wrote his 5 children a note telling them how much he loved them and explaining things (I didn't really get the gist of this note through the sobbing and snot) but it was not enough for any of them. She was feeling guilty for being mad at him. That I quickly dispelled.. I did tell her it was ABSOLUTELY OK to be mad at him for leaving her. She felt guilty for not wanting to go home to her crazy family. She has two older sisters and is the youngest of triplets. The oldest sister is all of 23 and is getting married in a few months. Her sister who is 21 is an alcoholic /druggie who was focusing her grief on cigarettes and a bottle (ironic as their Dad was a big AA follower), her older triplet sister has a baby to care for and was falling apart and the only boy of the family the middle triplet was just angry at the world.
Smirk, Grin, Lane (Smirk's other best friend) and I tried to explain that she did not have to face anyone in that house right away. She could stay hidden with us at my house and deal with them when she felt up to it. But the thing that broke my heart most was when she sobbed into my chest and said that she just wanted him to be proud of her and see her walk at her graduation next month and then take her to college in the fall (she is the first and probably only one of her sisters going to college). Her only thought was that he wouldn't be proud of her. That one brought me to tears...
So they are all at my house today... No one really felt like going to school... (except Grin, she had a play to do and didn't have a choice). They were going to hang around my house and just be there for her in case she needed shoulders to cry on... I know it will get easier on her, eventually, but I just wish there was something that I could do, something I could say... But what can you ever really say....

Mothers Day Schmothers Day...

I wish I could tell you about my fabulous mothers day... You know the one... (Cue the dreamy music) The one with the attentive loving children who burst into your room at at least 9am so you could sleep in, with a full cup of hot coffee with soy milk and some fabulous breakfast that they have made,

showering you with presents and a gift certificate bought by their father, in order for you to go and get your toes done or the massage you desperately need.

They proceed into the day not fighting and clean up their room and finish their homework, all the while asking if they can get you anything.... (See the dream... Now find the big pin to POP MY BUBBLE)

My mothers day did start at 10ish when my children sullenly stomped into the house.. There was a slight change of plans as they were supposed to come home from the Ex Mr. Amused's house on Saturday night but due to party plans that were happening there, they were forced to stay until the morning. My spawn had planned to rise early and come over in order for me to get my coffee and breakfast.... Planning was never something they were good at...So at 10ish when they stomped in, I have already been caffeinated and am starving. Were there presents??? NO! Was there anything??? No... Did they stop fighting??? No. Did they help in anyway, shape or from? Maybe... Grin did help me "cook" dinner. We had roast chicken from the grocery store, cheese, crackers and veggies and dip. Her cooking was to cut the cucumbers... She was a very big help however, this was ruined as she proceeded to scowl at her sister and they fought over something stupid again...

On a positive note, I did get to watch the Game Plan with The Rock... Cute... And How to Marry a Millionaire...Classic... And the First Wives Club... Hysterical! So decent movie day, still need to do 12 loads of laundry and dishes and clean up the living room, but tomorrow is another day.

How way your weekend????

Training...

Can I start a world wide training class that will teach people courtesy??? Not just please and thank you when someone does something for you or saying excuse me when you burp or bless you when someone sneezes.. Those are the basics, the easy ones that most people forget, but you deal... No I am talking about things that must not be common sense.

For instance, since I have had to go into the office everyday here at Dash, the large International Wireless Carrier where I work and people are just plain inconsiderate... I come in and see the coffee pot is empty, so I make a pot, head to my desk to put away all my stuff and get started on my day. This takes about 5 minutes before I grab my mug (we have gone green and now have no more Styrofoam cups) and head back into the break room to get the elixir of the gods that keeps my brain firing and see SNEAKING LAZY BASTARD who just took the last of the coffee and put the almost empty pot back on the burner without starting anymore... I mean people, it has been 5 minutes since I made the other pot, what did you all do sit and wait to hear the sounds of someone come in and start the coffee, wait until you hear them walk away and BOLT into the kitchen to take it all??? And what the hell is with leaving a tiny bit in the bottom of the pot.. Just finish it, I mean does that qualify as it not being empty so you cant make more???

Or there is the loverly woman who albeit very nice, is a bit on the overweight side (about 200 pounds) who wears at least a quart of perfume everyday. And it isn't expensive perfume so not only does it reek, but it actually burns my nose... But I suppose it is an early warning sign that she is walking down the hall towards the bathroom and it will uninhabitable for at least a 1/2 hour.

What about the very nice couple, who I have never seen in a cube near me... They must be buried somewhere in the rats maze of cubicles, but they eat their lunch every day in the break room. And every day it smells like shrimp ramen... it is vile and disgusting. I am not a fish lover, with the exception of Tallulah/Karl who will not be swimming in Ramen, and do not think I should have to be subjected to the GAG INDUCING smell of this fishy, vile disgustingness while trying to retrieve and heat my lunch. Can smells rub off on foods in the microwave?? I swear my veggies smell like FISH!! Must people bring rancid smelling food to the office to eat??

Its not just smells that annoy me!! Being that I work for a wireless company, people seem to think that every one wants to hear their conversations about little Tyreek and his poo problems. I am very sorry for Tyreek, first because someone in this day and age has named their child something that will induce teasing and torture during his school years (has no one learned) and second because I think that Tyreek's poo problems are better left discussed in private as opposed to the push to talk phones we are currently pushing on the nation. I always try to be courteous about the level of my voice, sometimes my spawn ask me why I am whispering...

Am I too sensitive??? Am I being crazy??? Please tell me I am not the only one with these issues????

2 B or not 2 B....

That is the question.... Grin has to find a monologue for her drama class. She wants to perform something that is not "her". It is a struggle because Grin does not know who she is... She thinks she is a tough cookie but she is most assuredly not... She thinks she should do something dramatic, but everything I find, she says sounds too sad (HELLO, the point behind dramatic???)

My biggest issue is when I look things up on the web, I find that people are basically stupid... What does the word monologue mean?? Lets think shall we... The beginning of the word is MONO - meaning SINGLE, ONE, ALONE or slang for a viral spit swapping disease which requires two people to get the disease so in theory it should be called binucleousis, but I digress... The stupid people on the internet post what the call monoglogues.. Yet they have two people speaking in some of these... Again, 2 not one so should they be called bi-logues or SCENES?? I dont want a scene... She needs to up there alone... So I search... I find many that I think are perfect, but my Amish daughter decides she cant do that or she cant say that word... She really isnt grasping the whole "acting" theory is she....

Maybe she should just give up on the acting and start practicing her fierce walk because at 5'9" she should just chuck it all and become a supermodel...

Get out!

Grin and I have had this long standing plan (actually Grin has this plan, I have other ideas) about our living situation in the future... Grin believes she will live with me until she gets married and then she and her husband will live with me... My plan tends to lean toward her moving out on her own and Mommy living in Italy or England. She has gotten a little bit better so maybe this pipe dream of us sharing a home well into my golden years will just go away...

Smirk on the other hand, wanted to live with me, but now has decided that she wants to move in with her friends. She knows that to follow her career choice of law enforcement for the federal government she will most likely have to go to Quantico (that would be Virginia, not California) and her friends will probably not leave the West Coast, but she is determined...

Last night Smirk came and sat down and said... "I just don't understand... We (the pack of rabid teenagers she calls friends) were talking about college and who was leaving and when, and the chatter turned to what were they all going to do without Mommies..." See, I cook for most of them (they just magically appear when pots start clattering in my kitchen) and I do the laundry for most of them (they leave their clothes on my floor and I end up washing them). They don't know how to cook or do laundry... Smirk however does... So, she instantly became the most sought after roommate. Little do they all know... Smirk knows how to cook and do laundry, she is just too lazy to do any of it... I have a feeling that once she starts college at the 2nd largest party school in California in two years, I will see mounds of laundry coming home on the weekends... It is just going to be too bad for her I will be unavailable unless there is payment!

Happy Belated Erf Day

Yesterday's Earth Day festivities got me thinking about my child hood when my 'rents wanted to get away from society so we moved to Cartoon City, Nevada. I remember thinking "Where???" I also seem to remember my father wanting to be like Grizzly Adams or the Mountain Family Robinson (Adventures of the Wilderness Family)

and leaving civilization to live off the land! I would love to do that. I would like to bake my own bread and grow my own veggies... Sew my own clothes and live like a hermit.. Problems with that would be I cant bake to save my life (I have issues with yeast breads), and my sewing skills are not that wonderful so I think I would end up with a lot of dresses that look like sacks and lots and lots of blankets...

The media reports got me thinking about what my carbon footprint would actually be... I have a car, two in fact, if you count Smirk's... I do use electricity but have switched to halogen and Compact fluorescent bulbs. I try to recycle although from previous posts you may have read it is not so easy... I will now try to find a better use for the millions of plastic grocery bags that I currently have in my pantry. I would love to recycle them, but have not found a place that accepts them.... Our grocery store had a bin out front for about a week until they realized that Americans do not read and people were throwing garbage into this bag recycling area... I don't know what else I can do... I still cannot grow veggies at my apartment complex, nor will they allow the cow or goats that would be needed to provide my own milk/butter/cheese. They will not let us put up solar collectors so I do still need the electric company and gas company unless I want to have freezing cold showers and cook in the barbecue every night.

So for Earth Day, the girls and I decided to celebrate by doing absolutely nothing different! I did not plant a tree, but did water my plants. We did not turn off the electricity, but did go to bed an hour early. Sorry Mother Earth, we will try harder next year!! Maybe by then the apartment complex will start letting me keep a cow!

World Meet....

Tallulah....

(Now this is not really him as he wouldnt hold still long enough for me to snap the picture)

Tallulah or Damn you, yellow light as Grin and Smirk, respectively, call this little guy who was the centerpiece at the Basketball Banquet. The kind, Stay At Home Mommy who organized the decorations this year decided it would be fun to put a live fish in a little vase with a glow stick in the bottom, on each table. Then she stuck 1 piece of paper under the chair of the "winner" of the fish and you would get to take the centerpiece home!!! Isn't that nice!!!! The paper was under my chair so I opted to leave the fish for someone else, but PETA member Grin would not allow it.. She scooped up that vase faster than I could run screaming from the building...
As we were driving frantically toward home, to get Smirk home in time to leave and go to a party at her friends house, we hit every yellow light, hence her name for the fish. Their brother from another mother, Stick Boy named it Carl. He looked at me very quizzically when I asked "Why, does it have a big nose?" And then proceeded to ignore me. (COMEDIC GOLD BY THE WAY)
Two things to note, yes this is a beta fish and therefore can have no companions in the vase with him as he will eat it.
And Two, yes Grin is aware that this fish is a boy and should not be named Tallulah without causing severe psychological damage to said fish... As these fish come from Thailand, luckily for us I am not sure that he can understand English.

No excuses!

Hello all! Sorry for the lack of posts lately, but there has just been no time at my house! With graduation rapidly approaching and craziness at the international telephone conglomerate, I have not had time to type!!

But there is just so much going on everywhere, it is no excuse!!!

Smirk & I went to the community college where she will be attending in the fall, to check things out and get signed up for her to get started. She has completely changed her plans (AGAIN) and is now planning on attending one year at the community college and then transferring up to UC Santa Barbara with her best friend. She better get some good grades for this first year and get some scholarships for the next because I have no idea how she expects me to win lotto so she can go to school!!

Grin is a crazy stress victim but can finally relax and breath this week as it is spring break and she does not have any homework to do!! She also has changed her future plans (AGAIN). She went with her class to the local hospital where the students were assigned to different wards in the hospital. She was assigned to neo natal intensive care. She loved it and now wants to be a pediatrician or a neo natal nurse... This is followed up with my lotto comment from above!!!

In world news... I was sad to see that Charlton Heston passed away this weekend. The only reason I mention this is that I was reading his bio... He married his in 1944...She was an actress also... She was a minor player with him in the Greatest Show on Earth, and performed with him on a made for TV movie show called Studio One. It is amazing to me that in a place like Hollywood where marriages do not last long enough to get the licenses back from the state, that these two stayed married until death did them part. I dont know why but that makes me feel a little better about living near the den of iniquity called Hollyweird!

More on life later!!!

Technology??

Since I work for a large wireless provider, I see some strange things...But this one really upsets me... This was sent to my boss as an idea that maybe we should try to sell these in our retail stores since we allow Amazon to utilize our network... Go ahead take a look, we will wait....
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000FI73MA/ref=amb_link_6369712_2?pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=center-1&pf_rd_r=0XS0S8AAMV4Z9XRCXPHS&pf_rd_t=101&pf_rd_p=371797501&pf_rd_i=507846

I DONT LIKE THIS PRODUCT!!! Why do we have to digitize books?? And even more, make it wireless and available with the touch of a button in minutes??? I do not want to "read" a book on a wireless device the size of my palm. I want to smell the paper, hear it crackle as I turn the pages, feel the cool cover of the book against my warm leg as I read in the sun. I want people to look at me like I am a throw back to a different time when I pull a book out of my purse, or car or bag while I kill time waiting as I usually do for my children. I want to be able to pull a book off the vast shelf of my library and remember reading it for the first time. I want to share that book with others. How can you impress that cute guy in Starbucks with your intellect and that fact that you can read one of those dead russians if all he can see is another person staring mindlessly at a little screen. I want that cute guy to see the cover of Anna Karenina or Proust! I want him to think...Hey she looks pretty & brainy, and then ignore me cuz I am not blond nor do I look like Barbie, but it was there if only for a moment!

I realize that some could say we are destroying the environment by printing books, but I refuse to believe that!!!! Why cant printers use recycled paper?? What do I care if the paper once came from a school or office that wastes thousands of pieces of paper aday?? As long as I can read the pages, I dont care where it came from!!!!

DOWN WITH TECHNOLOGY!!!! Not all of it though, cuz if you dont buy the cellphones I am out of a job!!!

The further edumaction of my spawn...

Since Grin is into the dramatic arts, I have decided that she needs to further her musical/movie education. And further since I will not be plopping down $85 per person to take her to Wicked (although I would LOVE to go) we have been watching old movies/musicals that I adore. We have watched

This was just for the cheese effect!!!

Then some good serious drama

Then some lecherous men of the 60's

Then some good war-time fun!!

Maybe up next will be The Glass Bottom Boat, Romeo & Juliet (1968 version only), An Affair to Remember, North by Northwest... They will also need to experience some of the Road to .... movies with Bing & Bob, Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, Anchors Aweigh is also a favorite.... Or maybe the movie all good little girls need to see..... How to Marry a Millionaire....

Things that make you go hmmmm?

Riddle me this Batman, if the US government has made the cable companies stop broadcasting in Analog and we now have no other choice then to get digital cable, why do I have to pay extra for the service???
This is what I have to pay each month.... Why should I be charged for the Digital cable service if I don't have a choice????

Cox Limited Basic 1 17.00
Cox Expanded Service 1 30.99
Digital Cable Service 1 13.95
Cox Digital Video Recorder Service 1 9.95
Digital Suite Digital Cable Discount 1 -10.25
Digital Receiver - DVR/HD 1 5.25
Total Monthly Cable Service $66.89

One of the many mysteries of the world.....

Is there such thing as too good an education??

Smirk and Grin are both involved in a specialized curriculum called the Health & Medical Occupation Program. This helps kids who want to be doctors or nurses. They have special classes and extra science classes and they have to volunteer a rotation at a local hospital. I think I may be breeding a hypochondriac or this education thing is actually working...
Grin just called to tell me she thinks she is having a stroke or has a tumor. Her basis for this??? Not severe pain in her skull or vision issues or clumsiness (That is a normal occurrence) but she the fact that she keeps smelling fruit loops where ever she goes in school!!!

Uhhh.. I dont even know what to say!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BANkMaLJaY4

Miscommunication or the need for cleaning out my ears!

What I heard:

Smirk: Mommy we are going to go get Special K. Love you...

First thought was why is my daughter need horse tranquilizers and how the heck does she know about ketamine... This cannot be good, stop ironing, run down stairs and throw yourself in front of their moving vehicle. Demand answers...

What She actually said:

Smirk: Mommy, we are going to get Ice tea at Circle K... Love you

Boy was my face red when she got back and I was ready to strip search and give them a cup to pee into!!!

Easily Seduced

My household is extremely susceptible to advertising. If a commercial comes on the telly for some fabulous looking food item, Smirk is instantly hungry... Even if I have just fed her a wonderful and filling meal. She needs something... It is amazing she does not weigh 400 pounds. It probably comes from the fact that she never sits still....

Grin on the other hand is influenced by sadness, but only for animals and small children. When one of those "send money to save ____ (insert any animal from dogs, cats, dolphins to great spotted beavers)" she wants to send in her entire bank account. And she probably would if she wasn't the biggest miser in history.

What is my sin you ask??? I am enticed by the gadgets that will save you time and money while making you beautiful, thin and productive!!! I like the garden that grows with out being in the ground.. You know the one I am talking about.. The one where the genetically enhanced lettuce sprouts before your eyes and continues to grow for MONTHS!!!

What about the hooks that will hang anything on your wall and only leave a small hole!! AMAZING!!!

I want a new job, I want someone to pay me to test all of these products.. Think of how fun it would be!!! Like the new one I saw this morning!!!!

This product looked like a travel pillow that curves around your neck but then when you press a button, it stretches your vertebrae so you look like you have a jack in the box neck!!! How fun would that be??? Only problem is that I watched the infomercial at a pre-caffeinated hour and now I cannot remember the name....

Bad Baby...

We survived the night of the mechanical baby but I discovered 2 things. First, I am extremely glad I had my children early! I could not imagine having to do it over again at this age. Women who have children well into their 40's or beyond are nuts! Little Andi had one cry at a strange pitch that made the hair on the back of my neck tingle. She burped and cooed when she was happy. When the baby would cry or burp, which preceded the cry, the parent was to insert a plastic key into a slot on the babies back. The first cry sounded at 11:30. Grin was already sound asleep so I went in and rescued her and the robo baby from disturbing her slumbering sister. Grin lumbered into my bed and we put the dolly between us. Half hour later, we were again woken by the cry. I jumped up and fixed the squealing while Grin struggled to become coherent enough to figure out what I was doing. The baby woke up every hour either to be burped (the key is labeled burp) or have its diaper changed (again a key) until 4am when it allowed us to sleep uninterrupted until 5:27am... Since the alarm goes off at 5:30 I just decided to stay awake. The only good thing was the Grin does not want to have children for at least 10 years and she has decided that she better have a good husband to help out! I am just glad I really didn't have to change 4 diapers last night!!

The second thing I discovered is that I need a new bed! I cant say I really discovered this as I have known it for about a year, but it just keeps becoming more and more apparent to me. I have had this mattress since Smirk was 1. Since she just turned 18, you do the math! So, why don't I just go get a new mattress... Two issues, I am picky and poor! I put Goldilocks and the Three Bears to shame... I have looked at several of the new mattress and am appalled at not only the price but I don't really like any of the new styles. The foam one felt like I was being smothered while I lay down... Too soft... Several of the new styles are labeled as no turn mattresses. While that sounds great, I had a concern, these mattresses looked huge! I had to almost jump to get up onto the bed. I felt like the princess and the pea. So, I am at a loss, I just don't know where to look. I guess after I win lotto I will choose on of the princess beds and try to channel my inner Royal... Who knows maybe I will finally find my prince... Somewhere... But you gotta kiss a lot of frogs!

Eggs

Back when I was in high school, the fun project of the year was the baby project.. I am sure you have all seen it.. The high schooler gets to carry around a raw egg for week while naming, and loving and journalling all about the experience of having a baby. My kids have looked forward to that project ever since starting high school and their teachers told them they would be doing it. Smirk never got to do this.. The school either didn't find it valuable or didn't have the funds to buy eggs... Who knows but she missed it... But now in Grin's sophomore year she gets to do this project, but the school district must have won lotto...

Grin's class gets to use this....
These little electronic buggers are programed to go off every hour... They cry and you have to take a key ring and insert the correct key into the babies back... Grin wants the B or E as her choice of baby... The school only has 10 of these so the kids are only required to do this exercise for 24 hours (THANK GOD).

I have two issues with this project... What is wrong with an egg?? What happened to imagination??? I had to make up what I did with my baby.. Did I hold it, what time did it wake up, what did it eat...Then I had to carry it around all day at school in its little decorated easter basket and ensure no clumsy oaf of a football player bumped into me and broke little Emily (I even remember its name)...

Granted this did not in any way prepare me for having my own children...Nor did it force me to wake up in the middle of the night to ear piercing squealing... However, I did learn from the project. I learned that I did not want this responsibility at the age of 15!

The second and far bigger issue is....GRIN CAN SLEEP THROUGH A HURRICANE!!! (I know this, as last night she was sleeping on the telephone, she kept hitting with her toes so it beeped... I got up to go find the source of the crazy beeping and found it under her blanket..Did she move when the noise sounded.. No it took me patting down her bed like a cop checking a suspect to wake her enough to tell me it was on her left foot, which it was no where near)
So tonight when she brings little Andi Royd home, she is going to fall fast asleep as soon as her head hits the pillow and who will have to get up to "care" for the little plastic encased computer? Yup, that's right... You guessed it... ME!! She wanted to do this project over the weekend, so she would have more time to bond with her bundle of microprocessors, but since you have to sign a contract stating you would pay $300 for damage or destruction of baby, and they have a chewing, slobbering beast at their father's house, I did not want to risk it...

I think the school should go back to the days of imagination and let them figure it out how to take care of the kid on their own. Or better yet, for the same amount of money, they could invite a real & baby in, pay for the mom to go to the day spa down the street for treatment while the juveniles each take turns taking care of baby..... That one would be fun to watch!!!

All kidding aside, I do like the intent of this lesson as we do have a teenage mom in the circle of friends that hang out at my house. And I would like to smack this teenage mom every time she brings her now 8 month old baby to my house at night with no socks on her little feet. But I really dont think that a mechanized baby would have prevented this child from having her own child... Maybe I am wrong and this exercise will do some good for the kids who take it seriously....

Damn them to the first gate of hell!!!

I went to the store near my office to get some lunch and upon walking into the store I was greeted by a sweet little girl in a green jumper!!! I was soo excited! COOKIES!!! Yes! I could taste the thin mints while I searched for my salad and other boring diet food... I got to the check out line... Where I felt oddly out of place.. The woman in front of me was purchasing 6 bottles of wine and two packages of cigarettes for her trip to Vegas while the two women behind me were each purchasing 2 bottles of wine and at least 3 packs of easter chocolate... I had a salad, pack of gum and some quaker rice snacks... Anyway... I get my $10 cash back and rush to the exit doors.... ONLY TO FIND THE LITTLE BRATS WERE GONE! How dare they tease me! They should be tortured! My thighs & waist band thank them but my brain and tastebuds were sorely upset. As I type this I sit eating the quaker rice snacks pretending they are thin mints... It just isnt fair...

Nuts...

The now settled tv writers strike is killing me... Not only do I have nothing to watch on television and am left to the mercy of MTV or reality shows, but now I find out that the lovely, brilliant execs at NBC have cancelled Las Vegas as of now... They will not be showing the second part of the cliff hanger where they left us last week. They are just going to kill the show.

I understand their dilemma. While I like Tom Selleck, I miss James Caan and Nikki Cox. But the show has gone a little stale, but to not tell us the outcome of Danny & Delinda's baby is just wrong... I enjoy the gooey moments of television! I want to do the awww-ing when we see the happy parents and the cute 6 month old newborn. I enjoy tearing up a little at the mush.. But I am to be denied!!!! Why cant they just shoot the remainder of the season and leave it on a happy note... Bring Ed back from the ether for that series finale... Bring back Nessa and Mary... We need to see one more shot of Mike & Piper....

Well it seems that I am not the only one who thinks this way... The folks at http://lasvegas-theseries.com/ have decided to pull a Jericho! When CBS cancelled Jericho last year a group decided to send the studio nuts as this was something this was a story that was told to our hero Jake about a last stand, something they were facing at the time. The studio received 250 TONS of nuts... So the Vegas junkies at the website above have started a campaign to send baby booties to Ben Silverman at NBC...

Looks like I will be making a Target run tonight!!!

See Spot Run....

Somehow I found myself on a email list for a popular "mom" website. You know one of those Mom's Unite websites, a place where you can chat with other mom's about pertinent issues facing you and your children... In other words a place where stay at home mom's can whine... I don't have anything against stay at home mom's at all. Trust me I may sound bitter but the abundance of these websites is crazy!

Anyway, the email I received had to do with the amount of homework children are receiving from schools. Since I feel strongly about this and have for several years, I took a peek. There were posts from moms with kids in kindergarten up to 5th grade. Since Smirk and Grin are long out of those grades I felt I needed to tell them to suck it up, it doesn't get any better. These mom's were complaining about little precious having 45 minutes of homework whilst in kindergarten. I wrote to these mummies explaining how on Sunday night, my highschoolers came home from their fathers with the remaining of their weekend homework. They had been working on it off and on all weekend long. Smirk had to finish her essay on Beowulf and her powerpoint presentation on penicillin & Smirk needed to finish her questions on Macbeth. In other words, here is how my Sunday evening went. Driving 20 miles to pick up girls, listen to them bicker all the way home, listen to the argue about who got me first to assist with their remaining homework, wish to all the stars i the heavens I could win lotto so I could get the radio in my car fixed so I could drown out the bickering, get home, sit down at computer with Macbeth in one hand and the other on my phone explaining to the former Mr Amused how to send Smirk's Beowulf essay & power point presentation from her laptop which she left at his house... After receiving said works, I proceed to fix the power point and make it pretty, something she was unable to do because she couldn't get the stupid laptop mouse to work correctly (mental note, look at her laptop when it returns and make sure the mouse touch pad isn't covered in chocolate covered raisin goo) and answer Macbeth questions (mental note, invent time machine and travel back to 1603 and give William Shakespeare something else to write about) Grin could make her way through the old english but she was stuck on how to illustrate several of the passages... Her teacher seemed to think that if they were to draw pictures of the quotes "Out, damned spot; out, I say. One, two,—why, then ’tis time to do’t. Hell is murky" or "Fair is foul, and foul is fair Hover through the fog and filthy air"; this would expand their creativity. I get it, I understand but this is an english class... Not an English Lit class, that would be Smirk's class, but a plain old English class where they are supposed to learn spelling and grammar. How is drawing going to assist in that?
But back to the evening, after the powerpoint came the fluffing of Beowulf. Smirk inherited from her father the worst spelling abilities in history. While Smirk got her assistance, Grin moved on to the remaining spanish questions. I cant help there as my spanish is limited to ordering a taco and a beer/tequila or asking where the bathroom might be at an americanized mexican restaurant. After finishing my portion of the homework, they were left to finish and review their work, I still had to finish the laundry and ready myself for work the next day. Packing lunches for all and ironing my pants.
And I had to do all this before 9pm so we could watch the ending of Pride & Prejudice on Masterpiece Theater. Thank god for DVR!!!
The amazing thing was, after I had ranted all this on the MOM site and hit send, their site rejected my post. Must have been too much of a complaint and they didnt want the other mommies to feel bad